From the Caterpillar to the Butterfly
As I was responding to a comment from the last post, I was given a picture I wanted to share with you. I am posting it today instead of my usual bible study post. It is a thank You letter to God for bringing me through the dark places in my life. I hope it touches you or you find something useful you can relate to in it. If not, thank you for indulging me as I post what is on my heart today.
It feels as if I have been crawling on the ground forever. Always looking down at the earth beneath my body. Breathing in the dirt and grime that others stir up when they pass me by. I am filthy and empty. I search for places of hope and refreshing, but before I get there, it seems to be snatched away. I try so hard to be positive, but even there I am failing. Please tell me; will this torture of my soul ever end? I can’t go on like this. I REFUSE to go on like this! I will simply curl up and die.
When I finally do curl up, I find that even death rejects me. I am held in between. Between despair and hope. Between struggle and freedom. Between night and day. I’m not sure I like it here, but at least it is not where I was. I don’t have to eat dust. I can’t crawl; I can’t even move! Maybe that isn’t so bad though, because if I can’t move then I will no longer be filled with the dirt stirred up by my feeble attempts to rescue myself. At least it doesn’t hurt as much as before. Just let me sleep for a while. I can feel I am at a crossroad, but at this point I don’t know if I even care.
I finally realize I’m in a cocoon. It is actually Your hands curled around me. I have been held here until I stop struggling and fighting the process of change that You have been working in me. Once I relax I see what You have been doing. You have held me securely until, slowly but surely You begin opening Your hands. Small slits of light filter in between Your fingers at first. Then more light is let in as You lift one finger away from the rest. Bit by bit You open Your hands until I emerged into Your Son’s light. I stand still as the warmth of that light dries me fully. I feel a lifting at my back as if something is pulling at my shoulders. I stretch a bit, then notice the beautiful wings behind me. I unfold my new butterfly wings and examine them for a moment. You gently breathe on me to encourage me to fly from Your hand and to explore the places You prepared for me.
No longer do I eat the dirt and scrape along the ground, but I fly from beauty to beauty taking in ALL You have created. Thank You for the change You authored for me. Thank You for slowly bringing the light to me. You knew just how much I could handle and when to push me to accept more. Without You pushing me forward, even when all I wanted was to stay hidden, I would not have known the wonder and beauty You created. Thank You for my butterfly wings. And thank You for the safe resting places You also created for me for when I am tired. You tell me I’m not done changing, but for today this is enough.
May 17, 2016 @ 4:48 PM
I love this. Thank you for taking the side road to post it. It’s kind of like stopping along our trail through Matthew long enough to appreciate the scenery.
Sometimes the most unexpected thing brings tears to my journey and it was nice to read just now that ‘the change isn’t complete, but it’s enough for now.’ (I know–it’s not an exact quote…)
I woke up this morning to find one of my finches on the cage bottom. I had noted a few days ago that another finch was picking on him. I figured they would work things out, but apparently the bullying resulted in death. Now…the rub is…I only have the finches because there was no one else to take them. They were all in pretty bad shape when I took them in. Although I’ve nursed them back to health over the past year, I’m not really ‘attached’ to them, they don’t bring me joy like my bigger birds do. Yet, seeing his little lifeless body sprawled out at the bottom of the cage brought me to tears.
The last few weeks have been difficult to live through. Long story; won’t go into it here; just a lot of drama that isn’t mine and shouldn’t impact me, but it does because I love my ‘step family’ as well as those who are flesh and blood related to me. So, I’m not sure if the dead finch was just the straw that broke the camels back or if it is a stand-alone sorrow that would have hurt my heart no matter what.
In any case the finch is dead, and my eyes are leaking. I think I need some cocoon time.
May 18, 2016 @ 3:35 AM
You are so tender hearted, especially towards those that have been hurt in life. I think the death of the bird would have affected you this way because of its struggle, regardless of your other stresses. I am glad that they found a savior in you for the time that you have cared for them. Not being close to them doesn’t lessen your heart’s hurt for the injustice. Is it possible that you also identify a little bit with that underdog little bird? Your life has put you in his “feathers” on more than one occasion. Allow the hurt, but also know that your Heavenly Father cared for him too. His eyes are on the sparrow, so I’m sure He watches finches too.
For those “other” stresses, I’m here if you want to talk. Facebook me with an IM any time. I love you BUNCHES and will pray for you. I too know the struggle family can be, steps or blood. Still we CHOOSE to love them all, even when they (or we) are unlovable.
Father God, wrap my aunt in Your loving arms. Protect her from the slings and arrows of the enemy, no matter who is manning the bow at the time. Bring peace to her soul by shutting out the noise and chaos surrounding her. Cocoon her with Your love and mercy while her butterfly wings are growing for this situation. Thank You for Your love. Thank You that we can bring ALL our cares to You. Thank You for receiving her feathered friend into Your aviary.
May 19, 2016 @ 3:03 AM
Thank you for this. Sometime between the time I put the birds to bed last night until I entered the bird room this morning, the bully finch killed two more of his cage mates. Although I could easily tell that two were missing, there were no birds in the bottom of the cage. After a little investigative effort, I found one of the carcasses in a nest box. I removed two of three nest boxes from the cage; looked inside them; but didn’t see the second carcass. Philip came over to help me look for it (thinking it might have gotten out of the cage and was hiding somewhere in the house). Later, we decided to re-examine the nest boxes. We found her. She had crawled underneath the nesting materials in her nest box. Was probably trying to escape death…but died anyway.
Today has been a crazy work day, also. So between work and bird stuff, I haven’t been on line much.
May 19, 2016 @ 2:42 PM
If it was me, I would be decisively dealing with the bully finch. At the very least I would be giving him the boot out the door. Let him see what the big bad world thinks of his antics. I wonder why he has decided to turn homicidal. I’m sorry for all that you are going through.